Bitter and that

There are a few crazy people in my life.  They have no diagnosis, at least I think they don't, but crazy is not a mental health condition, it's a way of life.

I've been encouraged to "drop" friends, or avoid relatives that have rightfully earned "crazy" and for the most part I've distanced them from myself.  I have to live a relatively low stress life.  I'm not crazy, I'm bipolar.  These people create drama, want trouble and do it at those around them's expense.

My cousin is a grudge holder, and I'm getting ready to call it quits.  I talk to her online almost every night.  Most of the time she is warm, friendly and chatty.  Some of the time she is very angry and grows more bitter as she recalls each instance where she has been slighted or offended.  She is angry right now because, after our grandmother's funeral, my grandma's sister "called out" my cousin and her parents because they didn't go to church often enough.  Now, I know my great-aunt.  She was a devoted Christian woman, and I mean that in a kind, respectful way.  She had no tolerance for racism or separate-but-equal nonsense.  She was active, pretty and smart.  I'm thinking that, if she said something about their uneven attendance, it was out of concern.  If it wasn't, who honestly cares?  If someone said something to me in an offending way, I'd think, "What's it to you?"  Ah - but I think they felt guilty.  I know my cousin felt angry.  She said it wasn't a very "Christian thing to do."

What is a "Christian" thing to do?  I think, in the South, Christian means kind or with good manners.  That's not really Biblical Christianity, though.  My cousin says that my aunt will have to answer to God about it.  I don't really know what God would find wrong with this whole, "you should be going to church" fiasco.  It seems that the enormous amount of bitterness and hate would be a much bigger deal.  Said cousin was offended by my father for something that happened twenty years ago, by her old best friend from high school, by things my dad's step-dad did more than sixty years ago.  I know it's a matter of time before I'm added to the list, but I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.  Those benefits are waning.  However, I don't want to be the person carrying the grudge!  I don't want to hold things against her, I want her to be my friend.  I have my own grudges to deal with, she's not alone and maybe because I am like her I want to be tender with her.  Or maybe I just want to change her. Is that what co-dependence is?

Just a few

It is a secret that I have all sorts of psychiatric diagnosis.  I had a therapist who believed I should tell no one except for very close family.  The stigma was too much, he said, I would lose all credibility.  When I was first diagnosed I told everyone I knew with an email address in a mass email.  Well, everyone except for a certain youth pastor.  I would grow to hate him, but that had nothing to do with my bipolar/add/ocd diagnosis and everything to do with him being an asshole. 

Now, I strike some what of a balance.  There are very few people at our new church that "know".  I'm not ashamed of being ill, anymore than I am ashamed I have acne scars.  I can't really see them and if if I really cared I'd put makeup on over them.  I need to correct that, I am not completely ashamed of being ill, but I am ashamed of some of the things that go along with it.  I am ashamed I drive forty five minutes to see a psychiatrist.  I am ashamed I have strong ties to a therapist.  I am getting over the shame associated with drugs.  People ask me if I take meds and I never lie.  I'm not a big liar.